IF you are observant enough, you will notice him in markets - an
ageing, cosmopolitan gentleman haggling with the market woman pricing
pepper, fish, okro and vegetable oil. His age, generally 50 and
above.
At other times, you see him in the high brow areas of major cities
doing his shopping at the mall. If he is no longer in paid employment,
he spends much of his time at the Club house. There is a club
patronised by such elderly live-alone men in old Bodija in Ibadan.
He lives a relatively quiet life at home – no chattering or running
around of children. Except, perhaps for the occasional female visitor,
that is for those still with libido, the house environment has an
unnerving serenity.
The above scenario typifies the changing times for the family set
up, especially for fathers in middle and upper class families in
Nigeria. The ageing Nigerian husband and father is facing a silent
revolt – a gang-up against him by wives and children who have chosen to
remain abroad.
The irony of it all is that it is the successful husbands and
fathers who are mostly in this bind. Men took different routes to this
common destination of loneliness in their twilight years. Many had
travelled abroad, often to Europe, the U.S. and Canada in their youth in
search of the golden fleece, got married either to fellow Nigerians or
ladies in their countries’ of residence, acquired higher education,
raised families and look forward to a life of bliss thereafter.
While some returned home immediately after their education, others
stayed back to also get their children educated before returning home.
Some went abroad as staff of government agencies or international
organisations with their families or raised families at their duty posts
and either returned after their tenure or stayed back.
Some men returned while the wives stayed back – different strokes. We
have a large number of stay-back wives in Maryland, New York and
Atlanta, among others. There is a third category of those who went
abroad under the U.S. Visa lottery.
In all, going abroad were happy moments, then, and in some cases, all
the children of many couples ended up going abroad. Many fathers of
such children are no longer smiling. Yet, the rush to America and Europe
continues.
With Nigeria’s worsening economic problems, those who never came back
stayed put while the problems forced the children of many returnees
back to Europe and America where many are citizens. Meanwhile, the
returnee parents are getting older as well as those who never went
abroad but had children there.
The returnees and the locals are now in the same boat. In their
active, younger days, many parents travelled abroad on vacations to see
their children. Now retired or approaching retirement age, many parents
are either financially or physically not able to make the journeys
again, while some refused to visit to protest the children’s non-
reciprocation.
Then the music changed, bringing about current woes of many men, in
spite of some putting a bright face to it. This time wives started
travelling abroad, ostensibly to help take care of their grand-children
abroad.
THAT was when husbands’ problems began. You would think there
was a National Conference for Diaspora-bound grandmothers at which a
roadmap was distributed. This is because experiences of many marooned
husbands are similar: Initially when the first grandchild is born, the
wife travels abroad and spends about three months. She returns home,
spends about nine months to a year and when the second grandchild is
born, she either spends six months or stay back permanently. For those
who come back after the second trip, the third is for permanent stay.
Welcome to the phenomenon of the husband ‘bachelor’. What I have
found amazing about this category of men living alone, following their
wives relocation abroad, is that many are not contemplating taking a
second wife. Even those in their early 50s who are still randy avoid
serious relationships while those who contract temporary marriages soon
abandon the venture.
I was to learn that the decision against taking a second wife, for
many, is generally financially based, given the rising cost of
education. “How do you expect me to start training a child from
kindergarten at this age,” noted a 60- year-old Ibadan resident whose
wife and children are in the U.S. He says he draws inspiration from
more elderly people who are in their 70s and in similar situation. He,
however, concedes that he feels the absence of his family most during
festive seasons when the loneliness hits him. Some not so solvent again
take consolation in the dollars and pound sterling from their Diaspora
children.
Even then, not all are so lucky. It’s a matter of different strokes.
There are those who take in house helps, often with unpleasant
experiences. An oil company retiree with a big house in upscale Lekki
area of Lagos said house helps can be so unappreciative of your
assistance and can walk out on you anytime. He narrated an episode
where the driver threw the car key at him in the middle of nowhere,
knowing that he had not driven for a long time.
A common concern among elderly husbands living alone is the health
hazard, the dread of falling ill in the middle of the night with no one
to assist. There was the story of a man in the Alagbole area of Lagos
who had died three days before the door was forced open when he did not
attend a Tuesday church meeting. Many ‘single’ husbands say their wives
are always persuading them to come over, that the wives wonder why the
husbands choose to stay in the hell-hole called Nigeria.
Although a few claim they enjoy cooking, many of the live-alone
husbands say they don’t find it funny going to the market. Some
husbands follow their wives abroad.
According to a FestacTown, Lagos resident: ”When the second
invitation came for my wife to come to London, I told my son he has to
send tickets for two, that I can’t stay back again”. After six months,
they returned home, but when the wife was to go for the third and
extended stay, he declined following. “I find it very boring,” he
lamented. There are some husbands who refused to allow their wives
travel abroad to help take care of their grandchildren.
One such husband insists : Why should they take my wife away, I raised them, they too must raise their own children.
The problem of absentee wives and lonely husbands is part an overall
trend of separation in the family. Economic factor, especially
employment, has also contributed to the dispersal of the family, even
at local level where, for example, a husband works in Lagos and the
wife in Abuja, with dire consequences for family cohesion.
Prof. Adelani Ogunrinde, Vice-Chancellor, National University of
Lesotho, while delivering the Second Commencement Lecture of Bowen
University, Iwo on October 16, 2008 highlighted, almost in lamentation,
this phenomenon of the dispersed family using his family as an example:
He lives in Lesotho, the wife in Abuja and the children in North
America. He died about two years later, with the family still
dispersed.
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